


rosea elephanti (or why we follow proper lab procedure)

by silent_h



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Awkward Grant Ward, Canon Divergence - No Hydra Takeover, Coulson has a sigh for every occasion, F/F, For Science!, Handwaving, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Pre-Femslash, and all of them are directed at Skye, bad girl shenanigans, everyone is emotionally repressed, implied technobabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-26 23:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1705724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silent_h/pseuds/silent_h
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye grins at the thought of drunk!Fitzsimmons. They’d probably be running around yelling For Science! and telling really bad jokes and trying to kill everyone-</p>
<p>“Wait, what?”</p>
<p>Coulson nods. “No impulse control means no moral compass. They’d basically be doing whatever they wanted without the inconvenience of ethics to hold them back.”</p>
<p>“And what they want to do is go on a homicidal murder spree?” Ward asks sceptically.</p>
<p>“It’s possible,” Coulson shrugs, ignoring Skye’s muttered, ‘You don’t need to say homicidal and murder’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	rosea elephanti (or why we follow proper lab procedure)

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously don't own this and all that jazz.
> 
> The title is what Google tells me is Latin for 'pink elephants'.
> 
> Also, does anybody else find it kinda hilarious that Skye's canon(ish) name is Mary Sue?

“We may have a slight problem,” Coulson starts when all of them (minus Fitzsimmons) have arrived in the living area, as though he wasn’t the one who said _Get to the living area, we may have a slight problem_ over the comms, literally five minutes ago.

“You already told us that, literally five minutes ago,” Skye points out, because no one’s ever accused her of being subtle.

She rewarded by one of Coulson’s trademarked sighs, No.5 ( _I know 30 different languages but I don’t understand the word_ mercy _in any of them_ ), before he continues as though she didn’t say anything, “Fitzsimmons were working on the sample of the serum we brought back from Pittsburgh-”

“Right, the one that makes you drunk,” Skye interrupts with a smirk. “Good times,” she says as she holds out her fist for Ward to bump.

He looks at her blankly.

“Anyway,” Coulson continues with another sigh, No.2 ( _all I need is an empty room and the Hulk and all my problems will be solved_ ), “the chemical spill alarm for the lab has gone off, and as they were working on the serum at the time, we,” he gestures to himself and May, “believe that they’ve been infected.” 

While the other three discuss tactics, Skye simply grins at the thought of drunk!Fitzsimmons. They’d probably be running around yelling For Science! and telling really bad jokes and trying to kill everyone-

“Wait, what?”

Coulson nods. “It’s likely that they received a much concentrated dose than the others, and Ward and Skye did. Which, as far as I can remember from Simmons’ earlier explanation, means that instead of being in an inebriated state, they should have completely lost their impulse control, and no impulse control means no moral compass. They’d basically be doing whatever they wanted without the inconvenience of ethics to hold them back.”

“And what they want to do is go on a homicidal murder spree?” Ward asks sceptically.

“It’s possible,” Coulson shrugs, ignoring Skye’s muttered, ‘You don’t need to say homicidal _and_ murder’, though he does sigh.

(no.8: _one day I’m dumping this godforsaken team on Maria Hill,_ one of his personal favourites)

“I assume we have some kind of plan?” May asks, also ignoring Skye.

(or maybe Skye’s finally discovered her latent 084ness and it’s some kind of invisibility)

Coulson looks at May, affronted. “We’re agents of SHIELD. We always have a plan.”

 

................................... 

 

Unfortunately, the plan makes perfect sense.

“But you guys are badasses,” Skye whines for about the fifth time, wishing that she really was invisible.

“Which is why they’ll be expecting us,” Coulson replies patiently, for about the sixth time.

(some competitive part of Skye thinks that Coulson shouldn’t be allowed to say his argument more times than her, and tells her to whine again)

“Think about it this way,” May says, in her _if you don’t stop talking, no one will find the body of the person that was looking for_ your _body_ tone. “If one of us three goes in there someone will get hurt.”

“Yes, but-”

“That someone might be Simmons.”

Skye’s not entirely sure what difference that makes but her brain decides that that clinches the deal and makes her say yes.

 

 ................................... 

 

Skye peers through the glass at Fitzsimmons curiously.

They don’t seem to be scarred or in pain, and none of them look like they’re going to be turning green anytime soon, which adds credibility to Coulson’s, they’ve been affected by the _no-impulse control-serumTM_ idea, but-

Fitz is building a robot monkey.

From the way the others were talking about the serum, Skye was expecting one of them to be building a doomsday device while the other sits there, sharpening their knife manically.  She expected nefarious plots at least, but no, a monkey. Simmons isn’t even doing anything, just sitting in the corner reading quietly like normal.

Unless- it’s _too_ normal?

Nah, Skye mentally shakes her head. Impulsive or not, Fitzsimmons are still terrible actors.

She bypasses the electronic lock on the lab doors easily ( _too easily?_ Well, duh, every electronic lock is too easy for her) and slinks in silently. Once in, she instinctively looks around but Fitz is still facing away from her, deep in robot monkey guts, and Simmons hasn’t even looked up from her book.

Quietly, though she’s pretty much mentally _screaming_ the Mission Impossible theme tune, she walks up behind Fitz and jabs him in the neck with the sedative that Coulson is 98% sure will render the serum inactive and absolutely won’t leave them with brain damage.

(plus, if they were actually affected by a different chemical then it’ll still have the same effects because _something something science_ )

Fitz collapses and Skye catches him, careful not to make a sound. She gently lays him on the ground, grinning madly.

Hey, maybe this spy thing isn’t actually as hard as everyone makes out.

(though by everyone, she means Fitzsimmons, which is kind of ironic actually)

Skye starts to stand up, but is stopped by a sudden (and cold) pressure against her neck.

She freezes.

“I’d stand up very slowly, or else the scalpel that’s pressed against your jugular vein might just slip,” Simmons says quietly, “and we wouldn’t want that now, would we?”

 

 ................................... 

 

So, it turns that Fitzsimmons _were_ affected by the _no-impulse control-serum_ (they _so_ need a catchier name for that) and knew she was the one who was going to try and deal with it, because they came to the same conclusion that Coulson did, only much quicker because they’re geniuses (genii?) and hatched an actual nefarious plot that Skye doesn’t yet know the details of because she’s too busy with the whole scalpel to the neck thing.

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Oh, nothing much,” Simmons says brightly, as she handcuffs one of Skye’s wrists to a pipe.

In Skye’s opinion this action pretty much negates what Simmons is saying, but Skye isn’t the one with the scalpel so she doesn’t voice her doubts.

In fact, she probably shouldn’t say anything at all.

“By nothing much…” she says instead, and wonders if she’s somehow been affected by the serum, before she remembers that, no, she really is just that impulsive.

Simmons grins and almost starts vibrating from sheer scientific excitement, “You’re quite unique, Skye,” she says as she walks to the other side of the lab, neatly sidestepping Fitz’s prone body, over to the sink, “and I’ve always wondered why exactly. But now I can find out.”

She starts washing her hands and Skye tries to pick the handcuffs while Simmons is distracted (she has an actual hand washing routine, because of course she does) but the locks are pretty darn secure.

Stupid SHIELD with their stupid well-made, quality, handcuffs.

A thud distracts her from her mental annoyance at the non-cheapness of her employer, and she looks up to see May, Coulson and Ward standing outside the lab doors, trying to break in. She grins in relief (though didn’t she open those doors? Like, five minutes ago?), but when she chances a look at Simmons she’s just watching the others calmly.

“Fitz rigged the doors to fuse if anyone hacked,” Simmons says happily, as she goes back to methodically washing her hands, “and the glass is quite resistant. I’m afraid they won’t be coming in.”

Well, crap, Skye thinks. Not about the whole not being able to get in thing, because, like she said, those guys are badass, but they’ll need time to break into the lab, and she is not so great at stalling. She stands there for a minute (though it’s not like she can do much else), trying to think of something to say, when her brain catches onto something Simmons said earlier.

“What did you mean, when you said you were going to find out what makes me unique?” she asks slowly, as Simmons finally finishes washes her hands.

Simmons picks up her scalpel again, wiping it with an antibacterial wipe, “I’m going to look inside you,” she says dreamily, “and see what makes you tick.”

“And you just can’t do that with an imaging machine,” Skye guesses uneasily.

“Of course not,” Simmons scoffs, holding her scalpel up to the light. “Now hold still,” she says as she walks across the lab.

“Simmons, you don’t want to do this,” Skye says quickly.

Simmons tilts her head, “Why not,” she asks.

There are many, _many_ reasons why Simmons shouldn’t dissect ( _vivisect_ , her inner Simmons chides) her, but Skye’s mind can’t get past the dissecting ( _vivisecting!_ ) part, and so refuses to work.

Skye blinks.

Simmons nods, looking satisfied, “See, Skye,” she says cheerfully, because everything Simmons says is cheerful, even when she’s discussing dissecting (for god’s sake, Skye!) one of her friends.

“Wait,” Skye says, and tries desperately to think. She bites her lip nervously and watches as Simmons’ eyes flit from Skye’s eyes to her mouth.

Well okay, Skye thinks, she can work with this.

She turns to look at Coulson, Ward and May, who are still trying to break into the lab.

“I’m taking one for the team,” she yells in no uncertain terms, “and if I die because you guys are too busy gawking then I will come back and haunt you.”

She’s pretty sure that they heard, since Ward looks mildly confused and he’s the most expressive person there, so.

Simmons looks between her and the others quickly; her brow furrowed, “What are you-”

She doesn’t get to finish her sentence because Skye lunges forwards and kisses her.

As distraction techniques go, it’s basic _and_ highly effective, but Skye doesn’t really get a chance to congratulate herself on her quick thinking because she’s being slammed against a table and there are hands touching things and she really didn’t think this whole no inhibitions (like say, against having public sex) thing through.

A small part of her reminds herself that having sex, right now, in the lab, against a table, in front of her colleagues (and an unconscious Fitz) would probably be a bad idea (an even smaller part realises that the sounds of breaking in has stopped, the lecherous jackasses) but most of her mind is currently busy with not thinking, so she’ll get back to that later.

She’s so preoccupied, (is this the whole no impulse control thing or does Simmons always kiss like this?) that she doesn’t hears walking over broken glass, or a syringe being depressed.

She does however feel Simmons go limp in her arms.

Skye looks up to see her three knights in armour, shifting nervously.

(well, Ward is shifting nervously, May and Coulson just look like, well, May and Coulson)

(Ward is also blushing. Skye’s not sure at this moment why that’s important but she files it away for later use)

“So,” she says, when the uncomfortable silence is starting to drag.

“So?” Coulson asks, raising an eyebrow.

“So,” she says again, the corners of her mouth pulling up slightly.

Then she promptly faints.

 

 ................................... 

 

It turns out that adrenaline mixed with a diluted version of the serum mixed with saliva can make people faint.

That’s the story Skye’s sticking to anyway.

 

 ................................... 

 

Skye’s realised now why bland, unflappable Ward _blushing_ is such a big deal, which is why she is sitting in her bunk, combing through the videos from the lab trying to look for it.

(yes, that’s _exactly_ why, though _damn_ , her and Simmons look hot)

“Skye,” a voice asks nervously, and Skye nearly jumps out of her skin.

“Damn it, Simmons,” Skye says as she tries to simultaneously shut her laptop and get her heart rate down to normal speed.

She’s also pretty sure that she’s blushing furiously, because of _course_ she is.

“Jemma,” Simmons says, messing with her sleeve.

Skye blinks.

Simmons starts worrying her lip, before she stops suddenly, blushing, “I-you. Can. You can call me Jemma.”

“What,” Skye says eloquently.

Simmons, _Jemma_ , looks down at the floor intently, “I meant it, what I said before,” she mumbles at her feet, “I _do_ think you’re quite unique. I always have.”

Skye’s brain suddenly decides to just up and leave.

Jemma walks off then, having obviously exceeded her social interaction quota for the day, leaving Skye sitting on her bed staring blankly, her brain making little stuttering noises.

By the time Skye’s brain restarts, she’s alone again.

“ _Jemma_ ,” she tries softly, feeling the way the syllables roll off her tongue.

Well okay, Skye thinks, she can work with this.

**Author's Note:**

> Because these two are emotionally stunted it takes a long time for them to finally get into something resembling a relationship, but when they do, it's epic.  
> (even if Skye uses the 'you tried to vivisect me' excuse every time she forgets their anniversary)
> 
> I like to think that whenever Coulson goes back to the Hub, Maria Hill will say, "So, how's the team? Having fun?", because she's an asshole, and Coulson will throw something at her, which she will dodge (improbable ninja powers, activate!), unless there's a senior member of staff close by, because re:asshole.


End file.
